It’s a sadness inside that remains. It’s a feeling of having lost too much, of
having lost my proper social context. Don’t get me wrong: my life is good as it
is right now. I have a loving wife and two beautiful daughters. I have a steady
job which pays enough. But despite there being nothing wrong and no real
immediate problems in my life, I’m still sad inside. And I don’t know the reason
why.

I just feel that I don’t belong, I’m not worth anything of real value to others or
to myself, and I have no real meaning in my life. I continue along like
everything’s normal as best as I can. I ignore the sadness and keep active and
busy in order to live my life and enjoy it. But the sadness within seems to pull
me back, and it’s always there in the background. When moments of solitude and
silence return to me, it returns to me as well: because it never leaves, it is
always there within my chest. I can forget about it for a time, maybe days or
weeks even, but it’s always there underneath, waiting to return.

I’ve learned to break free of the pains and stress in my head. But the sadness in
my heart remains. It’s as if something is missing and will never return. It’s a
feeling that I can never be truly at ease, because something is always wrong: I
never truly belong, and am never truly accepted, and am never truly valued. It’s
a self-esteem problem and a social problem. I used to call it my societal
disconnect
. It has been like this inside me since I was a child, and it is
still there.

I think this is part of why I’ve always like the sad songs, like those by
London Grammar.

I often eat extra carbs when I feel the sadness, trying to make it go away. I’ve
been thinking about going to a therapist to talk about it. I did talk to some
people about it before, but that was 8 years ago or so, and its still here.
sigh . (I guess this would be called emotional eating).

I always feel like there’s something missing. Is it my art? Is it my creativity?
Is it part of my soul? Is it a connection inside myself to deeper feeling? I
don’t know, but I feel that it is missing anyway. Sometimes it helps to draw or
write, because while I’m doing those I can often get to a place of connectedness.
But why does the sadness and disconnection always return? sigh.

When I think or write about the sadness within my inner silence, I start to feel
a bit better somehow; I feel more connected to myself. But the sadness seems to
have infinite depth, an unbounded reach. When will it end, if ever? And why is
it there? Is it meant to just be there that way, or is it meant to end? Perhaps
if I do the right thing or have the right experience, will it end?

Too many questions, that I can’t answer I’ve learned to stop asking myself so
that I can rest.

I do like helping people, and that gives me fulfillment, when I have energy
to do it.

I’ve learned that if I want to live my live and enjoy it as much as I can, I need
to put the sadness in the background. I deal with any pain and sadness as
necessary, but my goal is to live my life, not to fix the sadness, if that is
even possible.

Sometimes, I feel that I’m only a spectator, not really here but observing and
sometimes, awkwardly, trying to participate.

I’ve tried ways to surpass this: Christian faith and spiritual learning,
contemplations journal, journalling and studying my dreams, practising Hatha
Yoga from a book, practising Kundalini Meditation from a book, breathing and
meditations from Advanced Yoga Practices and ebooks, etc. I have my own
set of stretches, breathing, and pressure/rubbing exercises that I use to handle
the tension, pain, headaches, and stress. Yet the sadness is still there,
within.

I guess that’s one thing I can be creative about: the sadness within.

It used to be the The Longing that I always felt, and I fulfilled that longing,
or so I thought. But now I have The Sadness, deep inside and insistently present.
Its an emotion without resolution, consistently trying to tell me something, but
without me understanding it. Its probably a result of the loss I experienced when
we moved to this city when I was a child, leaving the home I knew behind.

Lately, at times, it feels like an ache to create, or a need to write. Maybe,
the sadness comes when I haven’t done enough to experience, connect to, and
express my inner self
.

On thinking about London Grammar’s music, I notice that it is the internal
feelings and very personal experiences that make their songs so good: their songs
are full of feeling and meaningfulness. Its the deep feeling that makes their
songs soooo good, and not just for myself but for many other people, as they
are popular and have many fans. Maybe its embarrassing to sing about, and
have a huge audience share in, your intimate feelings and experiences, but it
also makes great stories which make great lyrics. So if I write about my
intimate personal experiences, perhaps my stories will have value too. I can
only hope so, as I feel that I have little self-value, and I always hunger for
validation and a sense of value from others. I grew up feeling like no one cared
about me, except my mother and father a little bit. No one was really close to
me. I felt so desolate at a young age, and that feeling never left me. I did not
feel understood or cared for in a close way, as I craved for. And the feeling of
missing those things still remains inside me.

I always thought I was too introverted, and I needed to share more of my inner
self with others. But that doesn’t seem to work because I’m not wired that way
very much, and I’m also full of things which are interesting and valuable to me
but don’t seem that way for others. They don’t really care what’s going on inside
of me, even though to me it seems like so much, and like it is so valuable at
times. To me, the internal world of thoughts and feelings is what matters, and
to others, it often seems to be secondary or irrelevant.

I have read that “thoughts are things”. Are emotions things as well? If yes, then
I may be able to purge this emotion of sadness through my ongoing Yoga-ish process
of Unlocking and Integration.

I also use meditations that I developed before I learned any Yoga: Pain Tap,
LiquidLight (crown chakra), Detonation, etc. I called the MindMelds when I
developed them in 2001, 2002. Unlocking and Integration is the name I’ve
given my process of using stretching, breathing, diet, exercise, dance,
rubbing, pressure, internal energy (Kundalini), meditation, etc. to clear
tension, blockages, old/stale thoughts/emotions/feelings out of my
body/self. It started with an awakening experince when I was 24, has
continued until today, and has no forseeable end. I use meditations from
Advanced Yoga Practices: Spinal Breathing Pranayama
and Deep Meditation (mentioned above), and meditations from
Kundalini Meditation by John Selby.

I hope that when I do more that I yearn to do, and do more that fulfills my inner
desires, the sadness will move to the background, and I can even forget about
it for days at a time. Perhaps what I need is real personal meaning and
motivation, and time for myself doing that which I find worthwhile,
meaningful, and enjoyable. At least, that seems to be a step in the right
direction. And, of course, I am still deeply thankful for the people in my
life and the opportunities for freedom of expression and creativity that
I do have. Externally, I am very happy with my life. It just seems that to be
happy within as well, I need something more, something for myself, to satisfy
my heart’s sadness within and develop the internal world of my heart and thoughts
which always seems to beckon me away from the external, into the warm silent
comfort of my dreamish heart within, and the still, blissful, peaceful silence
that welcomes me there.

If love is immersion into the other, then immersion into the peace within is
a kind of immersion into the spirit of God, bliss unbounded and a feeling of
eternal belonging. Within that bliss, there is no lack, sorrow, or sadness:
only peace, comfort, and warmth.

But I can’t stay within forever; external life awaits as well.

I guess my ideal would be to balance the two, so that I never need to leave
either fully, but can be fully present in both.

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